Breaches of trust in relationships come in many forms and degrees, ranging from small to major.

Some are very small and not serious enough to damage the relationship.

We simply get over it and move on.

But other breaches of trust can be significant enough to really affect your relationship.

Perhaps it will change you as a human being.

We will call it a "serious" breach of trust here, but it is not necessarily the magnitude that is important.

Serious breakdowns of trust in relationships usually fall into one of three categories

 

1. Breach of trust in the form of infidelity.

This could be a long-term affair or a one-time affair at a Christmas party.

It might be an affair, a kiss, or more.

But it could also be a micro or emotional affair, which does not have to be a physical affair, but which involves long periods of texting and building another emotional connection alongside the primary relationship.

 

2. Breaking trust due to past lies or other reasons.

Another form of breaking trust is when you suddenly realize that the person you are dating may not be the person you thought he or she was.

You may learn that your partner was previously in prison.

Or they may have been married, have children with others, or have a history of abuse.

There could be lies about finances, abuse, etc.

In other words, lies that could significantly alter your opinion of the person you have chosen to share your life with.

 

3. Continued unreliable behavior.

Finally, there is a category I call "continued unreliability in behavior."

Here, it may be difficult to pinpoint one specific event that is the decisive factor in the breach of trust.

Rather, it is a collection of multiple smaller events that build the perception that the partner is untrustworthy.

Regardless of the category There is a breakdown of trust.

And it takes a long time to rebuild that trust.

 

 

When a Safe Nest Becomes Dangerous

The breakdown of trust in a relationship is especially severe when one partner comes to have the sense that everything they believed was actually a lie.

This is very difficult to do.

And we may begin to question many other things in the relationship.

We all need a safe nest to hide in.

When that nest becomes insecure or destroyed, our whole body's fight/flight response kicks in and we react as if we are in danger.

In other words, we automatically feel insecure, unsafe, stressed and anxious, which is a natural response to unhealthy safety behaviors.

And people want to be safe.

So when there is a breach of trust and insecurity in a relationship, it is a natural reaction to behave inappropriately in relation to being in a safe place, the optimal place for the "human animal" to be.

In many cases, we begin to be on the lookout for threats, i.e., we are constantly on the lookout for something new that might shatter our sense of security.

This is a natural reaction and a natural consequence of risky behavior.

Anxiety in relationships is generally not a good starting point if one wants to remain mentally healthy.

Anxiety, depression, stress, and PTSD are not unnatural things to experience after a serious breach of trust.

 

We cannot discuss trust violations in relationships.

Another challenge in rebuilding trust is when there is disagreement about whether there was a breach of trust in the relationship in the first place.

Sometimes in my clinic (and often in my inbox) it seems that one party simply disagrees that there was a breach of trust.

That this is nonsense, that the other party feels betrayed, or that trust has somehow been broken.

In reality, however, one cannot argue about breach of trust.

It is a subjective experience or feeling, and if one party feels that trust has been broken, it has been broken.

Whether the other party agrees with it or not.

And restoring trust requires effort on both sides.

If one party is unwilling to acknowledge that trust has been broken, rebuilding trust becomes a long and difficult process because one party does not believe that there is a trust relationship that needs to be rebuilt and is therefore unwilling to make the effort to increase trust and the behaviors that build it.

"You will have to learn to trust me." is another common phrase used when trust is broken.

But that is precisely what is not possible.

You cannot build trust with another person on your own; it is not a rational decision to make.

Trust occurs when the person you want to trust demonstrates trustworthy behavior.

 

 

The person who caused the breakdown of trust needs to be part of that process.

The only way to restore trust is through trustworthy and trustworthy behavior.

Of course, this also means not contributing to the mistrust that has already crept in.

In the case of infidelity, for example, if the cheating partner continues to insist on working with the affair partner or withholding emails, this often fosters distrust, even if she is trustworthy in other aspects of her life.

But if, for example, he breaks off all ties and is completely open on the phone, trust is fostered.

By his actions, he shows that "you are trustworthy and dependable." Maybe with help from Parterapeut Frederiksberg. In other words, trust in a relationship is the couple's job.

One partner must take the time to confide insecurities and mistrust and turn them into assurance and trust.

The other partner needs to work on becoming a trustworthy person.

 

But what if they break up?

Some of the breakdowns of trust in relationships are so serious that they destroy the relationship and send them on separate paths.

So what if you can't be together to rebuild trust?

Individual therapy may be a good idea.

When there is a serious breakdown of trust, perhaps so serious that it transcends the relationship and becomes a question of whether we can trust others in general, it needs to be addressed.

Research shows that serious trust breakdowns are often traumatic and, in the long term, trigger symptoms and diagnoses of PTSD.

I think this is a fact we don't talk about enough.

Trauma and PTSD are usually associated with larger, more violent and external events such as violence and war.

But so are the effects of one or two violent breakdowns of trust in the relationships that should be the safest.

The hallmark of trauma (to put it simply) is an experience so profound in its pain that it changes who we are in the world.

It changes you as a person.

Your perception of yourself changes, and your self-esteem and self-worth decline.

Your view of others changes - you may have difficulty believing or trusting what others say.

Perception of the world changes - you may come to perceive the world as a dangerous, unsafe, and uncomfortable place.

If breaking trust in relationships makes you more insecure, dangerous, pathologically jealous, distrustful, or difficult to re-establish relationships with others in the future and in the long term, then breaking trust is affecting your quality of life and mental health.

This is very serious, and that is why breaking trust in relationships should be taken very seriously.

 

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